The trip some of you saw on social media was as honest as I stand. However, for whatever reason, whether it be because I reflect and see the hints in hindsight, God has planted things throughout my journey that I never get around to revealing. and maybe I'm not always supposed to. I will not be cryptic, at least, I will try not to. But traveling has taught me God's ultimate words that are now illuminating through scripture and conversations. For clarity, I do not identify as a Christian. Still, I am open and embrace the journey of where God, who exists outside of Christianity and religion in general, is taking me. I still have my questions and curiosities to be answered before I claim, with truth and integrity, ANY religion. And I honestly don't find the titles necessary today.
Reflecting on how God allowed me to navigate abroad is a testament. The extraordinary graces, kindness, saves, favors, acts, joys, locations, shifts, deposits, and protections I receive(d) from STRANGERS are a book of miracles. I've never felt and experienced AND been aware so quickly of the amount of love and worthiness I have in the past four months.
I am fine with accepting the word "God" and even begrudgingly say "he" from time to time within my stark awareness of the trickery of modern religion and patriarchy. But I don't think MY God even cares about that. Because regardless when I speak whichever name, the energy of reverence, awe, and love are everpresent. That majestic spirit that arranges everything perfectly for me proved to my sometimes chronically insecure and doubtful self that I matter and they are with me no matter where I am. This was only an idea before as I mostly stayed near familiar things. Mentally too. But this leap stripped me of familiarity and predictability, especially compared to earlier seasons at ages 20 and 21, traveling to Dubai, South Africa, and Cuba. I was not nearly connected or concerned to know God the way I crave now.
With profound awareness, presently aware of each choice, each stranger I decided to live with, dance with, eat with, walk away with, follow, talk to, and share personal details with, I trusted God in every encounter. And in trusting God, I started to crawl toward trusting myself. Trusting that I would not mess up anything, I wouldn't be too much, too weird, too messy, too picky, too dumb, too fat, too unknowing, too trusting, too skeptical. I started to trust that it was God's perfect will wherever my feet touched the Earth and whoever I connected with in that moment, it was meant.
Now, please know that I still had these thoughts, but I accepted that perfect, holy will to comfort me so gently—gentle enough to reset my nervous system and exhale these doubts. If God is enough, so I am. I remind myself of my own philosophy "of in it and not of it." In the world, the real world, God's world of wonder; that's what I seek and attract. I am not of this presented world of "our creation" and I will continue to seek God's wonder and word.
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